I’m telling you, Samantha, it was never ever my intent
to harm a single, lonesome, precious hair on anybody’s head
(and isn’t that a funny phrase, “to harm a hair on someone’s head”
as if it weren’t ubiquitous routine to guillotine them all)
but if you get me out of this I swear I’ll find a way to make
things right with each surviving casualty (or else their next of kin)
‘cause Sam, I’ve known a teeming multitude of crackerjack attorneys
in my long and rather varicolored life upon this planet,
but atop this sweet buffet of lawyers, you’re the nonpareil,
so I’ve got every confidence that you will satisfy the court
that such unfortunate events as came to pass last Wednesday night
at Litvinenko Radiation Labs could never be construed
as anything but “acts of God” and unpreventable misfortunes
so there’s nothing there to implicate myself, as CEO,
or warrant some self-righteous magistrate condemning me to serve…