…a very elongated sentence.

I’m telling you, Samantha, it was never ever my intent
to harm a single, lonesome, precious hair on anybody’s head
(and isn’t that a funny phrase, “to harm a hair on someone’s head”
as if it weren’t ubiquitous routine to guillotine them all)
but if you get me out of this I swear I’ll find a way to make
things right with each surviving casualty (or else their next of kin)
‘cause Sam, I’ve known a teeming multitude of crackerjack attorneys
in my long and rather varicolored life upon this planet,
but atop this sweet buffet of lawyers, you’re the nonpareil,
so I’ve got every confidence that you will satisfy the court
that such unfortunate events as came to pass last Wednesday night
at Litvinenko Radiation Labs could never be construed
as anything but “acts of God” and unpreventable misfortunes
so there’s nothing there to implicate myself, as CEO,
or warrant some self-righteous magistrate condemning me to serve…

12 Groundhogs

It’s not enough to end the rodent
See? You’ve got to kill the myth
Bill Murray never really got it
Launching groundhogs over cliffs just
Isn’t gonna cut it, Billy

Next year they’ll just coronate
A brand new Punxsutawney Phil
Rank harbinger of six more weeks
Of bleak and tiresome winter

I’m not putting up with any
More of these chill prophecies
My memes are going viral and
Millennials are so “whatevs”
Regarding this tired woodchuck story

Still, that isn’t fast enough
To slay this foul and loathsome fable
But! My master plan, the groundhog
Flu will end it all…

1000 cuts

the night the empty spaces yawned like tigers
and tigers, scenting sickly sheep, broke free
i wasn’t what you’d call surprised, you see

my eyes, made paranoid by time, were open
i’d stayed awake since he left us marooned
the gnome, that crazy, diamond-crusted wound

but still, i had high hopes for signs of life
we’d learn to breathe, keep talking, take it back
instead i’m thinking, careful with that axe…

obscured by clouds resembling dogs of war
the echoes of a bright beginning die
and weakly wave goodbye, blue sky