King Rupert the Gnome In his green, woodsy home Was the monarch of everything He would survey And in his largest room Was a stately old shroom That was regal as heck All his people would say So King Rupert the Gnome Sat on his fungal throne Holding court in the forest Each beautiful day Til his seat was recut In the shape of his butt But it looked just as fine In a comfortable way
I'm not a bird
But I look like one
(Not much)
Well close enough
To call a chicken "hon"
(That's weird)
I might be weird
But my life is fun
'Cause I'm a Weirdo!
I came from space
But I'm here to stay
(Oh great)
They call me "Great"
'Cause I'm not OK
(That's clear)
I'll clear the roof
In my daredevil way
'Cause I'm a Weirdo!
I may be weird
But I'm no freak
You're just jealous
Of my handsome beak!
I'm never scared
Of bombs or heights
(No way)
I'll always fight
For chickens' rights
(All day)
My purple fur
Will match my tights
'Cause I'm a Weirdo!
('Cause he's a Weirdo! Yeah!)
Resplendent
in his blue pyjamas,
red slippers,
and plush blanket cape,
his chest emblazoned
with a mighty Zzz,
he is Sleeperman!
Nods off faster
than a sleep-deprived parent!
Snores more powerfully
than your uncle Herbert!
Is able to sleep all morning
in a single snooze!
He is Sleeperman!
Not much use
in fighting crime,
but still quite impressive
when during that bank robbery
in the middle of a shootout
he was found sound asleep.
He is Sleeperman!
Has a secret identity
as a mild-mannered coder
for a well-known newspaper,
except he wears glasses
in and out of costume
so everybody knows
he is Sleeperman!
Until the day
when he met his kryptonite,
and found that
he could no longer
sleep through the night.
His nemesis? Aging.
He…he was Sleeperman.
i saw her, yards away, across the bridge
bent over, marking on the path with chalk
i squinted and crept forward just a smidge
to see what she was drawing on the walk
she drew the chalky outline of a door
and when she finished, much to my surprise
she opened it and jumped inside before
i knew it – i could not believe my eyes!
i ran to where she’d been, fell to my knees
and touched the outlines drawn upon the track
the door was only chalk, a mundane tease
i wonder if she’s ever coming back?
His treatment eased my mind
“Eat lots of bran” he recommended
I could see how much he cared
Surely, a cure was at hand
Surely, a curse was at hand
I could see how much he carved
“Eat lots of brain” he recommended
His treatment erased my mind
Jane was dangling
like Tom Cruise
above Queen N.’s sarcophagus.
Theo tapped her keys
and killed alarms
so sentries wouldn’t fuss.
Then, with practiced skill
Jane pried the lid
and opened it with care.
She alerted Theo
and the two
got Queen N. out of there.
They retreated
through the ductwork
to the back of the museum,
then donned uniforms in case
some sharp-eyed watch-person
should see ‘em.
Soon they’d made it
to their getaway
and tossed Queen N. inside,
so Jane grabbed the wheel
of that red Jag
and took her for a ride.
When they reached
their destination
N. began to loosen up –
even more so when
the doorwolf
handed each of them a cup.
Drac himself flew down
and greeted them
with bloodwine from his stash.
“I’m so happy
you could make it!
Welcome to the Monster Mash!”
The problem is just what you suppose,
she said to me,
Gotta get that sucker to decompose
efficiently.
As well, you don’t want it exposed
and robbed…you see?
There must be
50 ways to rot your groundhog.
50 ways to rot your groundhog.
Just stick it in a can, Stan,
or toss it in a bucket, Chuck!
Nail it to a tree, Lee,
Good enough for me!
Put it in a bin, Lynn,
or covered in a pot, Scott.
Stick it in the creek, Deke.
Pretty soon, you’ll see.
Just dig it a grave, Dave.
Put it in with the ants, Grant!
Make way for worms, Herm!
Watch it slowly cease to be.
It really isn’t all that hard
to break it down.
Just find a space in your backyard
and go to town.
There is no need to end up scarred
or wear a frown.
There must be
50 ways to rot your groundhog.
50 ways to rot your groundhog.
a child again
i am ushered into the room
told to sit and hush
as darkness thickens
a flash of light
followed by three more
gold, green, blue, red
feathered creatures banter
and break into song
now dozens, hundreds
spin and flutter above me
weaving intricate patterns
of sound and color
a zeppelin of gleaming white
descends from nowhere
bearing clusters of melody
cloying feathery sweets
now tendrils of vine appear
capped by orchids and lilies
riotous in shades of rose
writhing and ululating
as drumbeats rise, ominous
a crescendo of storm and magma
suddenly the room is bursting
with song and feather
as every outlandish entity returns
here, swarming above me
until, finally, peace
the darkness lifts
and i am permitted to depart
carrying with me
the indelible memory
of the room
driving along God’s belly
on the highway we shaved
through sacred tummy-hair
flowing within Spirit’s breath
blown along by the Divine
me? I’m just one of those
symbiotic microscopics
living on (in as) God’s bod
like a wriggly bacterium
or a fast flea on the move
watching all my fellow teeny
insectoid avatars motor by
always chasing a destination
but never anywhere apart
from where we need to be
and god placed a firmament between us
to separate you from me
and god saw that it was good
but the god who did this
was a wicked and tricky god
not the one we were hoping for
and it was not good
and we found ourselves
alone
so now we’ve got this firmament
holding us forever apart
this solid abyss dividing our touch
insulating us from one another’s warmth
and the truth doctor says let it be
it is what it is and you can’t change it now
but i want my index finger to be a needle
to prick and pierce this heartless veil
to rip it end to end
so your cool light will shine on me
and my heat will thaw your frozen soil